A new baby is always reason to celebrate, but, after a loss, the decision to conceive again isn’t as easy as getting the all clear from a doctor. Here, we speak to experts to understand how they made the decision themselves and what advice they give to others.
Olympic gold medallist Rebecca Adlington recently announced the birth of her third child on Instagram with the caption, ‘Our family is complete’, followed by a rainbow emoji — a symbol of hope and new beginnings.
The arrival of Rebecca’s daughter, Thea Joy Parsons, is an especially joyful milestone because it’s a rainbow pregnancy — a term used for pregnancies that follow a loss.
The former competitive swimmer suffered two miscarriages in the last few years and has openly shared her journey to raise awareness about miscarriage and pregnancy loss.
She’s spoken publicly about the effect those losses had on her most recent pregnancy, stating in previous posts that this time around felt ‘completely different’, that she was ‘fearful’ and ‘struggling’, even avoiding typical pregnancy celebrations, such as gender reveals and baby showers.
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Processing your emotions following a miscarriage
Educational and child psychologist Dr Sasha Hall knows all too well how fear and uncertainty after a miscarriage can affect a new pregnancy.
“There’s a heightened vigilance,” she says. “I delayed announcing my pregnancy for some time until I’d had a private scan for extra reassurance.” This was a practical step that she found helped to “contain” some of her anxiety.
For mother of two Debra Kilby, who experienced birth trauma, three miscarriages and a termination (for medical reasons), there was a lot going on behind the scenes of the loss. “It’s easy to feel like there’s something wrong with you; you’re a failure and a victim, or you’re being punished in some way.”
But none of these are true, says Debra. She now coaches and provides emotional support to other women going through miscarriages and pregnancy losses, helping them to work through these feelings and, hopefully, realise that healing — and new pregnancies — are possible.
But how do you know when you’re ready to try again?
Read more: As Molly-Mae reveals her pregnancy at six-months, should you wait to announce?
Make sure your body’s ready
In terms of physical readiness, NHS guidance says that ovulation can return quite quickly after an early miscarriage, and many women can conceive again once their cycle resumes.
If you’ve had a miscarriage later in your pregnancy, the decision might be a little more complex. After a miscarriage, you might experience vaginal bleeding, cramping and pain in your lower stomach. Hormonal changes might cause mood swings, fatigue and breast tenderness, and your menstrual cycle can take up to six weeks to return to normal (stress and hormonal imbalances can cause this to differ).
Once these symptoms have stopped and you’ve addressed any health issues that could affect your fertility, you’ll be physically recovered and ready to try again.
Debra waited three months after her first miscarriage before she felt it was safe to conceive again. After the second, she was concerned, so a six-month break between the loss and trying again felt appropriate. When she suffered her third miscarriage — and tests revealed no medical issue — she tried again after a few months, after getting the go-ahead from her doctor.
Of course, timing advice varies and should always come from a healthcare professional who understands your history, but, ultimately, it’s down to the individual after the doctor’s deemed it safe.
Trying for a new baby when you’re still grieving
Just because your body is ready, it doesn’t mean you are. Emotionally, the decision was much more complex for Dr Sasha.
She recalls feeling overwhelmingly tearful and low in the days after her miscarriage. Research shows that, after a pregnancy ends, progesterone and oestrogen levels drop sharply — this is similar to the emotional drop some women experience after giving birth — and that shift can contribute to intense sadness.
Once the initial shock faded, the grief began. Dr Sasha began to think of emotional readiness (for another baby) as “feeling that the intensity of the grief had softened enough that [she] could be present in another pregnancy”, she says.
As a psychologist, she recommends processing as much of your grief as possible before trying again.
Read more: The fertility tech helping women get pregnant
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Of course, it’s difficult to place a measure on grief, especially for a kind this complex, and it will vary from person to person. But for Dr Sasha, that point came around four months later.
That healing doesn’t mean forgetting, she stresses. For some parents who miscarry before knowing the sex, choosing a gender and a name — if that feels right — can make the loss more tangible and acknowledged.
Dr Sasha found it helpful to name the baby she lost and assign her a gender, because it allowed her to “experience her as baby rather than as an abstract event.”
Nevertheless, she’s quick to underline that there’s no universal timetable. “Waiting may be important if the desire to try again is being driven purely by panic or pressure. For others, trying again can be part of moving forward,” she says. “The key question is whether there’s enough emotional steadiness to tolerate the uncertainty of another pregnancy.
“What matters more is whether the decision is coming from grief, fear and pressure, or from a place of steadiness and emotional space.”
Assess the timing
Practicalities and timing will come in to play here, too. What do you have going on in your life at the moment? Do you have other children to look after? Do you have enough emotional and physical support?
With a one-year-old to look after already, Dr Sasha didn’t take the space to properly stop and grieve her loss. “I had to keep meeting my daughter’s needs,” she says. “I was conscious of protecting her sense of security and didn’t want my sadness to spill over in ways that affected her.”
Before having another baby, families might want to consider things like spacing between siblings, existing childcare demands, financial changes, external responsibilities and emotional capacity.
Taking the time to really consider how you feel, where you are in your life and what you have going on, then, is paramount. “Protect your emotional space at all times, and, when you do choose to get pregnant again, take all the support you can get,” suggests Dr Sasha.
Read more: Jesy Nelson: Should mothers be fighting for babies to have blood tests at birth?
Preparing for the new pregnancy
When you do become pregnant again, give yourself grace. It’s going to be an emotional time, full of joy excitement, hope, fear and doubt.
For Debra, it was about trust, both in herself and in life. “Our minds always like to spin back to previous times we’ve faced difficulty,” she says. “Finding a resolution to any previous loss helps us feel the truth that these are both connected and separate experiences.”
Her advice? Be kind to yourself: “Be aware of your thoughts and question what’s true and what’s coming from previous losses.”
It’s difficult, Dr Sasha adds, but you must remind yourself that joy and fear can coexist: “Find ways to gently remind yourself that this is a different pregnancy and a different baby, while also accepting that fear is a very natural response after loss.”
For some parents, there may still be moments of intensified protectiveness or worry. “Noticing whether that anxiety is proportionate or whether it’s beginning to interfere with daily life can be a guide as to whether extra support might be helpful,” Dr Sasha adds.
Lean on your support network, and, if needed, schedule regular appointments with doctors and support services wherever possible.
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